I'm me, and I'm not writing here. And I'm not only not writing here, I'm not really writing anywhere. Actually, that is not true. I am writing. I am writing copiously, I am writing fervently, I am inscribing on my mind and heart the first few months of my darling, glorious, awesome, incredible baby girl.
I have volumes to tell you. I have full novels sprung from a moment, from a single laugh of Auden's. I have learned more than anyone ever tried to teach me. I've laughed more and had my heart soar more in these last three months than ever in my entire life.
I always knew I wanted to be a parent. I grew up an Irish Catholic kid in Toledo, OH. My mom is one of eight. I am one of 38 granchildren (for those of you keeping score at home, that means I have 37 first cousins), and now there are 11 great-grandchildren. There are a lot of us, and not one of us in the family is uncomfortable around kids. In fact, you could say that a predilection towards children is in our very DNA.
But I had no idea how much FUN this would be. I love my daughter, you guys. I ADORE her. There isn't a single part of this that isn't pretty spectacularly awesome. I'm having the time of my life.
Yesterday I was rocking her, she was tired and fussy and doing her fitful "about-to-sleep" thing, and so I bundled her close to me and started rocking her and she calmed down and I looked at her and she was just staring at me intently. She was looking at me like she was memorizing my face, like I was a map she could imprint on her brain and follow somewhere incredible. She stared at me and stared at me and then all of a sudden, completely without warning, she reached up and touched my face. It was the first time she did that. It was the first time I knew she had purposefully reached for something. I was floored, thrilled, bowled over, delighted and shocked, all in an instant. And isn't that parenting?
That's parenting. The awe and wonder.
This is a wondrous endeavor.
I've never felt anything like it. Watching this tiny life flourish and flower in front of me. Despite all of my particulars, this girl is a darling, she is a beauty, she is a joy and she is a PERSON.
I'm awed. I'm humbled. I'm buoyed by my daughter. She is perfect and I'm the creator of something perfect. And if you've never believed in God, she will make you do so. Because there is no way that something this perfect and precious comes to the world without God.
Now, check in with me in 15 years, and I might sing a different tune, but for now: